Missing....

Jeli life is so boring laaa... I long to take a brief getaway , alone perhaps, travelling solo around malaysia..ahaks...  I miss the old times,where all of us would go on vacation, and our favourite spot is Legend Hotel which is located at The Mall. I feel like I grow up with that place,as every year since I was in kindergarten,that has always been our top holiday getaway..  Now,it;s just...different.. I've been through ups and downs in life, and I've been through the best of times in my life,especially when dads around...  I am glad,I am thankful to Allah for giving me the chance to experience those times.. Hopefully,when I got a job of my own, I might want to have more and more getaways with my sisters , and reminiscing the pasts we had with dad in KL,kuantan,melaka, and our childhood holidays spot such as cherating, singapore, port dickson that creepy guoman hotel, jb , and the best and last holiday with my dad was in Langkawi and JW marriot before he was down with cancer... I had that best moments ,together, and in a flash, Allah took it away. We might experience that moments again when we grow older,but it would never be the same without him around..Never.. I am jealous when I see someone who still has his or her father, and I would cry silently,when I see someone hugs his or her father.. They are so blessed to still have one.. .I just cant hide my feelings and cried one day in the bus during field trip,when I saw one of my classmates hugged her father... Well,my bestfriend ,she understands me well.. she looked out side, and slowly,she pulled down the curtain.. "stop looking.."  Then she offered me the hot piping pau,saying that she bought one for me..haha..thats really sweet the way she tried to comfort me..and she started to tell stories about this and that to distract me..I guess..

    I dont know what got into me,but for the past one week,I've been thinking about him a lot...Daddy..daddy..daddy....  This morning,I was drinking nestum,when suddenly tears started to fall.. Yeah,suddenly I remembered that this was his favourite drink during breakfast... The smell,the sound of the sips..deja vu...   I might be a little emotional during the exam week especially... My feelings became fragile..haha...   Dad..what can I say about him...     Caring,romantic,creative,jovial,funny,friendly and approachable..   I am more closer to him than my mother.. We share the same hobbies the same attitude,very straightforward,romantic,I guess...haha...sensitive, I really take care of anyones feelings.. We love the oldies,we love the same genre of music, we like reading books,more and more books, literatures, and kinda messy I guess. Oh yeah we love singing,..he is very generous...  I share most of my problems with him,friends,schools,love problems,.girls problems,,everything..he never fail to lighten up my day...It is hard to find someone like him... He is someone who is,,well never sweat a small stuff kind of person. 

              My mom doesnt understand me like dad does. But still I love her.Only after dad died do I understand and see the true colours of my mom. All these years,I dont really know her,theres like this big gap between us....  She spends more time talking with dad then with us.  After dad died, then I know her..I know her really well. Shocking suprising..haha.   We dont have anything in common,. We have different thoughts,different point of view, lots of arguements I must say..hmm..so I always choose to be quiet.... My secrets are shared mostly with my sister. and some of my friends...She shows her love by buying us this and that... Really different from the type of love that dad showed us. Oh well,differences make us learn to accept and adapt with each other..I have succeeded ,and know how to understand my mom.. We become more,closer,she starts to understand me..it takes time,.,and yes,the time has arrived and she did it.

                 I got lazier..and lazier...I guess my results wont be that good,anymore..and I got hot and hotter ,,I dont know but I got irritated and angry easily.. I  easily got mood swings.. I guess I need a break..From all these RUBBISH that Ive been facing all these years from 'that' side of the world and the new unwanted rubbish I've collected during this and last semester of UMK,that has actually contributed in my degree of fragility that I've possessed... Okay optimistically,I have learnt my lessons, and I am being more careful in every aspects of my life.life is just very unexpected...very.. I have to remember believe that Allah is always there with me during my ups and downs,I must have be a very strong girl that ALlah give me these obstacles,tests... whoa..I wonder how I study with all the family problems in my head...and my health that is deteriorating since Dads death... My advice to that person,dah2 lah minta pertolongan iblis dan syaitan nak kucar kacirkan keluarga aku,....yang pasti aku takkan berhenti ikhtiar dan berdoa kepada Allah agar diberi balasan yang setimpal ,setelah lama kami menderita..dengan wang ringgitnya habis,dengan kesan psikologi dan emosi yang mendalam,yang mungkinn orang lain xnampak.....mungkin dunia ni kau tak nampak,tapi kau tengoklah mati esok2,..bumi tak terima. Saya percaya,Allah memakbulkan doa org2 yang teraniaya.kerana dengki,irihati, seorang wanita menjadi balu dan anak2 menjadi anak yatim...dunia semakin kejam dengan hati  yang semakin kelam,gelap busuk,rosak,tiada cahaya. 

  Hope next sem is better than this sem.and hopefully ,I'll get what I've always wanted in this life.Dan kepada orang itu,betul kata awak,perasaan tak boleh dipaksa,a... oh ya lupa,awak anggap saya macam adik,sebab tu awak ajak saya keluar,telefon saya balas mesej saya jumpa saya kat sini,kat situ..MEMANG abang yang baik..untunglah saya kan dapat abang mcm awak..;... mulut saya mengatakan saya maafkan awak,tapi hakikatnya, hati kata susah,dan luka mungkin telah sembuh,the scars remain forever.    Aku ni makin emo nihhh...okay stop farah.stop2.. dah2... bye.  P/S: You look so cute when you smile..

   

             

        

       

It is you,not him.

Hey it's been a while since I've updated my blog. Time flies so fast,and now I am facing the finals which will be over in a few days...And off I go to my home sweet home.. I'll be the senior next year and I dont know what to expect next semester,this sem is the,should I say,worst ever? I dont know.,always,always there are obstacles coming my way., gossips,rumors, fights,....but at the end,everything will surely turn out well.. If not completely at least partially. .Life in Jeli,I dont know what to say. From my point of view,I dont really like it here, Jeli is a rural place and the food shouldn't be expensive,in fact insanely expensive as compared to pengkalan chepa... Now I really appreciate food at home,which is abundant and yes, free. hehe.

      Okay this semester the hardship,problems obstacles, are just overwhelming.. HANDLING with other peoples problems and emotions that originally shouldnt be running and be part of my life. Oh well,these obstacles actually mature me,and give me plenty of lessons.. Plenty,a lot... Certain people just think that they're the only one with emotions and I am like,what? a doll? heartless,perhaps? Certain people just dont know how to be polite, no manners I must say, I am,Farah Khairi,and I am a sensitive person you mess with the wrong person if you wanna play emotions,negative emotions with me..

    Problems here and there,everywhere... We are not human beings if problem doesnt exist,its just part of parcel of everyones life,and it'll make you more stronger.. The hardship that I've been through have make me what I am today... I become more careful,with everytthing,although I am very straightforward myself.

    Regarding the title of this post, well...all this while,its not about that guy .....the main thing is not him..those words are meant for you,actually...and I told you to let you know what actually happened before you know it from secondary source so hehe..I am the primary source.   I liked him,once. But right now,at this very moment,I like you,...you might not like me,but its okay,I'm attracted to you. Seriously. Any girl you love is the luckiest girl in the world....  so genie in the lamp,I've told you again and again all this while its all about you.....Honestly frankly speaking....I was asking you to convey these words to>>>>yourself .....   indirectly ,I guess?   as for you,being someone who is choosy, I didnt expect much but I had fun having you with me. I am happy to talk and laugh with u,u have the personality,a unique one that others dont have..so....let me repeat,okay.
  How I tingle when he passes by... everytime he says hello my heart begins to fly...How I love him,he got something that I cant resist,but he doesnt even know that I ever exist...
When I look into your eyes I cant resist it... When you smile,it diminishes my trouble away...it makes my day :)        and what else?    Someday....when I'm alone,when the world is cold,I'll feel the glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight..You're lovely,with your smile so warm,there is nothing for me but to love you,...With each words ur tenderness grow,tearing my fears apart..and The laugh that wrinkles your nose,it touches my foolish heart.... keep that breathless charm,wont you please arrange it coz I love you,just the way you look tonight. ..    emo kan? aku memang emotional>>> sincerely Farah Khairi..... ;)

Numb

I'm used to miseries that I cant feel them anymore.. I'm numb. How wish I'm heartless,no feelings,didnt feel anything. The sun only comes through once in a while, during the cloudy days... I feel like I might be dumb too,I dont talk much nowadays.. If I talk,in return I would be hurt,If I'm being silent in return,I,too,would be hurt.BUt its better to be silent, and follow what those people say. I dont have the power,no money,no work,just a plain normal student.
     Sometimes I didnt even know what I want,confusions,denials just filled me. I dont want to feel anything,in return,I'll be the one to blame. I just love taking risks,thats why I'm numb. Saya cakap tiada,tapi sebenarnya ada,saya cakap ya sebenarnya tidak or vice versa,saya kata sihat,tapi sebenarnya tidak.or vice versa.Hati saya tidak tetap.

    I wish that certain things wouldnt even start.because in return,I'll be playing with the emotions in which me,myself.,couldnt handle it. People do see that I'm changed,bbut inside I am still me,with same goals in life,but the way I think is just different,a little.I want to be like I was during spm year,or during matriculation,that was a WAY BETTER ME,in terms of achieving goals,but in terms of social skills,just lack of it. I'm always the quiet one,..always am,since I was a kid.But I talk when I feel comfortable with that someone.

    In the end,for now,I have to follow whats prepared for me.I guess I'm just powerless, until I finish my studies Insya-Allah.I just have to follow this long and winding road. I guess its better for me to take the road not taken. And with my faith in Allah and trust in Him,I'm sure I can cope up. I sure will. At the end,kembali kepada fitrah beragama.,nescaya akan selamat dunia akhirat walaupun ujian yang turun sangat getir bagai sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.

:) :) :) :) :) :)     I hope to spend a more quality time with my sisters. A holiday,a getaway...perhaps..

I am just me,when I write I write straight from my heart.

 

Rain and Storm is Part and PArcel of My life

It seems just so hazy, so dim, the gray clouds hover above me. The leaves swirled around me,brown,dead leaves. Seemed so old, departed away from their home,the branches of the trees. Cold wind seems to crawl beneath my skin, the angry thunder clapped, the lightning flashed brightly,blinding my eyes, the wind howled, a melancholy, sad song. The gray clouds couldn't wait to release their burden to the Earth. It wasn't that long before the rain came pouring down. Shattering the windowpanes, pitter patter on the roof. A constant rhythm,everytime. Everytime.

After solat I prayed...Amidst the storm outside.. I poured out whatever I felt,to Allah, I just don't know where to turn to,there is just no reliable person,since the passing of Dad. The pain inside seemed to swell, and witnessed by the storm and the rain outside, the drops of tears,accumulating tears ran down my cheeks, down the prayer mat,it goes on smoothly and rapidly. The pain is just too much for me to bear,if Dad were stll alive,he wouldnt let me be in this state,but it was just as painful as it already is to think about the past..

"Ya Allah, give me the strength to overcome the obstacles coming my way.. Give me tranquility and happiness in my life on Earth and herafter. I'm just your weak servant and i have nowhere to turn to but you..Nowhere,..I couldnt get the life that I've always wanted,and I know Ya Allah,you know whats best for me...YOu know me better than myself..Show me and guide me to the right path,easen up the burden in me, the burden that have been accumulating for so long inside that it has eaten me up emotionally...Give me the strength,the solutions for whatever that its is I'm facing right now...For it is you who owns everything in this world.. "

'Amin..'

"Farah,... My youngest sister called me. She looked at me..She was in tears,and I were too.. She sat in front of me on the prayer mat. We were silent for a moment . The rain lashing down the roof, .Pitter patter. The howling of the wind filled the air. Both were in tears.

" I cant stand it adik, where,who,how? What...? To whom?" I spoke out between sobs. "It is just too much for me to bear..too much"..

"You are strong Farah..Thats why Allah gave these obstacles, just be patience and tell Him everything,asked for His guide for He is The Most Merciful and Almighty."

She wiped away my tears. I wiped away hers. I stood up, and walked toward the window. The wind seemed cold but refreshing. I closed my eyes and felt the wind brushing against me. It seemed to be filled with miseries..

However,no matter how long the storm seemed to go on and on,the sun would always came out with the rainbow..Spreading the warmth and brightness to the life on Earth.

HIdup baru umk

Dah masuk 2 minggu di UMK..begitu cepat masa berlalu.. Duduk umk semua masalahdi rumah rasa mcm tak ada.. tak ingat..sibuk dgn tugasan,chores,kwn2..hehe

Di umk baru sy sedar, a lot of things kena fikir, dan membuatkan aku redha,redha dgn apa yg akn berlaku lepas ni..Masa depan aku bermula dgn usaha ku skrg...

Minggu 3M the best wlapun penat.. Jumpa kwn2 baru, sesuaikandiri dgn tempat baru, xsusah..:)

Dah 3 mlm berturut2 mmpi menangis..Mengapa? Adakah ini satu penyesalan terhadap satu dosa yg dianggap kecil? atau kerinduan terhadap arwah ayh..yg dah 4 tahun meninggal..

Buka mata dah ada air ata menitis kat pipi... punyala teruk menangis..Allah masih sygkan aku,aku kena kembali kepada fitrah kehidupan aku dahulu..khidupan aku yg aku syg...

Kalau ditanya,aku lebih sygkan agamaku, Allah, Rasullulah..bukan kerana bajet ke nak menunjuk ke,rasa bersalah dlm diri terlalu menebal sehinggakan bercucuran air mataku setiap kali membaca Al-Quran... Bukan aku berubah,,tppi ni lah diri aku yg sebenar..kembali kepada fitrah hidup beragama yg aku sayangi yg aku rindui..

Ampunilah aku Ya Allah,sesungguhnya aku hanyalah hambaMu yg lemah yang tidak lari dari melakukan kesalahan... Aku telah menganiayai diriku sendiri..Astaghfirullahalazim..

;( aku insafff

Izinkan aku menangis

Aku cuba tabah..Ya Allah aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk menerima hakikat ini.. Aku senyum,masih mampu bergurau senda hakikatnya hati aku menangis.. MAafkan hambaMu kerana lemah.. Lemah untuk menanggung hakikat dan kehendakmu..

Tidak ku sangka..Ku sangka panas hingga ke petang rupanay hujan di tengahari.. Allah menurunkannya kepadaku,mungkin kerana aku lebih tabah dari yg lain..Izinkan aku menangis Ya Allah aku tidak kuat untuk menanggung seorang melainkan dengan pertolonganMu..hilangkan gundah gulana ini..

Biarlah,biarlah hati aku berbicara sendiri,menangisi kepiluan seorang hamba yg diuji keimanan,mana mungkin aku mengatakan akulah org beriman melainkan aku diuji,untuk melihat setakat mana aku mampu. Mana mungkin senang2 aku mendapat merasa keindahan syurga tanpa ujian bertimpa2 untukku.. Segalanya membuatkan aku terasa dekat kepada maha Esa.

Senyumlah,ketawalah Farah, hari bahagia mungkin ada bagimu.. Simpanlah rahsia itu.. AKan kekal bersamaku hingga ajal kelak datang menjemput. AKu berkorban,merasai penderitaan dan kekusutan rasa berita keseorangan untuk kebahagian kamu semua....

Biarlah rahsia kekal bersamaku.. ~~selamanya.. Berikanlah aku kekuatan Ya Allah aku lemah tanpa Mu.Kasihanilah hambaMu yang lemah..

Sakit Perut

Elokla tu,tak bangun sahur. Dah kunci jam ntah nape la aku xbgun. Memandangkan ada gastrik,memang tak bleh tinggal sahur.Look,what have you done to yourself farah. What have I done.. What have I done?

Tapi alhamdulillah,dapat puasa pada 27 rejab ni. Memang dah niat awal2 nak puasa bulan rejab especially 27 rejab ni sambil2 ganti puasa ,lagi 5 hari lagi. Hmm,mula2 rasa cuak gak tak bleh nk puasa hari ni. Tapi sedang elok semalam tgah2 malam,dah boleh solat. AKhirnya Allah grants my wish. Great feeling.

Sakit perut ni,dh kurng pulak ,rasanya kena duk depan lappy kot baru rasa lega. Di sebelah laptop ada asam yg dah dikerumuni semut courtesy of syiqin the gediks. Semalam dah cakap,ni makan ni mesti sampai esok asam ni kamu letak kat sini. Syiqin: eh x la nnti org simpan" Now you see,I'm always right. Sister instincts perhaps? Kanak2 tu memang kanak2 baik.

Kalau 2nd week of july, minggu depan la kan? No wayy.. Yes,way. Face it. Rasa cuak sama macam rasa nk tunggu results sem 2.. Harap2 dapat apa yg aku nak. I'm ready mentally. Whatever comes my way, I'm so ready. Allah knows what best for me. I Believe..

Oh tadi tengah baca magazine,ada gambar Ashraf Muslim. Dengan segeraku tutup majalah,and campakmajalah tu atas katil. Kalau ada muka dia kat tv, I will like "Syiqin,tukar channel!" Yela diakan dah bertunang dengan doktor. Admit it,I have a huge crush on him. A huge one. Get a life girl.haha. overreacted I think.

Then,fahrin ahmad iklan garnier for men. Aku tutup mata xnak tengok lama2. hehe.. Mana boleh tengok lama2. Huge crush la katakan.